Shadows -Phan-
by kittyxuchiha11
Summary: Dan has nightmares that make him want to scream and never sleep again. He wants to to tell Phil but after breaking up with his best friend and seeing how much Phil is still suffering he doesn't want to be any more of a burden to him. They both want the other to be happy, but that can't happen for Dan as the shadows are constantly looming over him.
1. Chapter 1

Trapped.

I'm trapped in this nightmare and I can't escape. In my dreams this nightmare haunts me. Even in reality the dark shadows stalk me down every dark street an alleyway.

As I lay in bed every night I grip the covers rightly in my hands. I know if I close my eyes the nightmare will come to haunt me. It'll become reality and I'll be swallowed up in the darkness once again.

I glance around the room with wide eyes. Just wishing, hoping, begging myself to stay awake.

Then it happens.

I fall asleep despite my efforts to stay awake. I'm sitting in a dark room, the only light source from a single candle flickering away. The shadows are dancing around me. The tears well up in my eyes. I don't want them to hurt me again.

Don't let them hurt me.

As the tears trickle down my cheeks, I say the only thing that makes me feel sane in this place. That one name that makes the shadows jump back as the word leaves my lips.

"Phil…"


	2. Chapter 2

I seem to ask myself the same question everyday.

Why does love hurt so much?

According to all those songs it's supposed to be the most amazing feeling in the world. You're supposed to meet the one person who makes you feel really great. That one person who when you're with them you forget about everything bad. You're so in love that everyone is jealous. You're the perfect couple and everyone loves you for it.

Well I did meet him.

Dan.

That awkward 18 year old kid who just happened to be my number one fan. We talked on Skype and instantly became friends. I would wait for him to come online and smile as I saw that cute face. His adorable dimples that would make themselves seen when he'd laugh at one of my ridiculously bad jokes made me unbelievably happy.

And then we met. We had long ago crossed the line of friends during those long hours of webcam chats. It hadn't always been just chats. He'd like to pretty much strip on camera then give me this innocent little look like he had no idea what he was doing did to me. He'd like to play this little game where he'd try to get off as quietly as he could while looking at my shirtless chest and messy hair. We'd tell each other all the things we'd do to each other if we were there. All the quiet whispers and moans those hours where filled with.

As soon as he'd stepped of that train, looking like a lost little boy I knew I was definitely in love with him. I hoped that maybe meeting him in person would destroy my feelings for him but it only intensified them. It was obvious he found me attractive and was pretty much just lusting after me. Well, it seemed that way.

But then in that moment when he spotted me in the crowded station. His face lit up and a familiar look sparkled in his eyes. He ran to me, falling to my arms in a tight hug as he buried his face into my shoulder. That look and how he hugged me meant…he really might like me.

We spent that day walking around the shops and chatting excitedly about just everything. He seemed even more perfect in real life. Before he was just some kid who watched my videos. But now, he was this beautiful young guy who I was so attracted too. And at the end of the day we actually kissed. The moment his lips touched mine I knew it.

I was so in love with him.

We agreed to date after that. He came to visit me all the time, staying over night a lot. Everything was absolutely perfect until he moved into his uni dorm. He started to act differently. At first I just put it down to him being stressed. I mean I was really homesick and stressed when I first moved into uni so I just guessed he was too. But he did this thing. He'd act all distant and not come visit then he'd be all clingy again and just appear at my apartment in the middle of the night. Id open the door and he'd be standing there looking all sorry for himself and then just hug me tightly and tell me he was sorry. I could never understand why he was sorry. Why he kept apologizing. But then I understood.

He broke up with me a few months after that. His excuse was that he needed to try be normal. He wanted to be a normal university student and have sex with different people every weekend. He wanted to live like that. He couldn't do that while dating me. I just nodded and placed a fake smile on my face until he ended the Skype call. Then I crumbled. Cried and cried and cried until I couldn't anymore. I should have known he was too good to be true.

So now here we are three years later living together. I bet your wondering why we're living together huh? The answer is simple. I love still love him. I need him. I would love to have him out my life to stop the heart break I constantly feel when I'm around him. But I can't. it's hard to explain.

I love him so much that it hurts but I can't live without him. He's my best friend and I care about him so much. He'd be lost without me and id be lost without him. That's just how it is.

A love story that doesn't have a happy ending.

Only a compromise.


	3. Chapter 3

It was driving me absolutely insane.

It's weird, I never thought anything like this would get to me so much. I mean, It's just a dream…a dream that I have every single night.

I'm lying. I am so lying. I can't handle it at all.

It started a few months ago. At first I just thought I was having a few weird dreams, but over time they began to grow. They started out as these strange little dreams where id see a little black shadows. The shadows soon developed into black shapes that moved around me. It was fine for a while. Everything was completely fine.

But then it all changed.

It was after a particular night where Phil and I just happened to get to close. That happened every so often. We'd just be sitting watching some TV and we'd sort of cuddle into each other. I never meant for it to happen, it just did. We found ourselves wrapped in each others arms, noses touching as we stared into each others eyes. I could never will myself to pull away from him when we ended up like this. That hurt look he had when I broken up with him was still there in his eyes. You could latterly see the pain when we were this close.

And then of course what always happens happened. He leaned into to kiss me and for a moment I was paralysed. My mind just screamed at me to let him kiss me. I still loved him, I could never deny that. I only wanted to pretend to be normal. When I was at uni everyone had girlfriends that they showed off all the time and I just felt so ashamed. I felt like such and idiot and a coward after I broke up with him. My friends had wanted to see this 'girlfriend' of mine. I considered telling them about Phil but…I just couldn't.

I just wanted to be normal.

So I broke up with him just so I could try get with some girl. Of course that didn't work out. She knew by our second date that I was so obviously gay.

But of course when Phil leaned in to kiss me I turned away. His lips made contact with my cheek as I screwed my eyes shut. He bit his lip before mumbling a quick apology then rushing off to his room. I would always wait a minute before quietly making my way to his room to see if he was okay. And every time he would sobbing into his pillow loudly while he whispered my name between his gasps for breath.

After that I had went to bed and let all the tears escape before crying myself to sleep. It was a usual sort of ritual for us. Get too close, make a mistake, two hearts broken once again.

That's the night my nightmares got so, so much worse. It started with getting a little freaked out about seeing stuff out of the corner of my eyes. Then id wake up with tears streaming down my face to see those dark figures staring at me from the corner.

************************************************** *******************

"Good morning" Phil greeted softly as he looked up from his cereal. Our gazes met for just a second. That was enough to do it. He tried to looked away but looked back again, a faint pink tint covering his cheeks.

I coughed awkwardly before quickly averting my eyes to the TV in a hurry. "Yeah…morning"

He sighed, scoping another spoonful of cereal into his mouth while he also looked to the TV. I carefully sat down on the couch, making sure to not sit close to him so we didn't have another incident.

We sat for a good fifteen minutes in silence like this. He had his now empty bowl clasped firmly in both hands has he started straight ahead. I kept my arms crossed as I leaned away from him. He suddenly looked over, a determined look into his eyes.

"Um…Dan?"

"…Yeah?" I replied softly.

"Are you okay?"

I just blinked at him in confusion, tilting my head to the side slightly. It was a bad habit I had that I really couldn't break. "I'm fine"

"Dan…I heard you last night"

"What?"

"You cried out. I heard you crying"

I felt my brows knit together as I stared at him. I was about to get angry but…I couldn't. I could never be angry at him. I sighed softly before looking down to my hands. "I'm fine"

"Dan. Please. You can talk to me"

I narrowed my eyes at him, clenching my hands into fists.

"…No"

"Dan-"

"No, Phil. Leave me alone…please"


	4. Chapter 4

"No, Phil. Leave me alone…please"

I just stared at him as the words left his mouth. He tried to sound intimidating. Like he really did want me to leave him alone. His eyes didn't say that though. His brown eyes had this little twinkle of fear in them as he gazed at me.

"Dan-"

I lifted my hand, placing my hand on his cheek. He didn't react at first but soon looked to the ground and moved away. My hand fell to my side again as I watched his eyes well up with tears.

"Please don't…please" he mumbled before quickly getting to his feet and scurrying away. I watched him go, biting my lip as my options ran through my head.

I could follow him, confront him. I could tell him to stop being such a baby and that we needed to fix this situation. Or I could do what I always do. Lock myself away in my room and cry. I was so weak, I knew I was. It's no wonder he doesn't love me.

I just sat there, staring at the doorway he had fled out of more than five minutes ago now. I didn't even have the energy to move.

How did we even become like this?

We used to be able to just act like best friends. Of course there would be the odd awkward glance when we'd accidentally touch or got to close but that was it. How did we get from that to this. It just didn't make sense to me. How we got from being best friends to not being able to be in the same room as each other. It was breaking my heart just watching how he reacted to me. He'd flinch if even my arm brushed against his.

Of course we had to pretend everything was fine though. The fans were always extremely over analysing every single thing we did. We had to pretend to be super happy and energetic every time we knew people were watching us.

It really worried me. I just wanted everything to go back to how it was before. I wanted my best friend back.

Is that too much to ask?

************************************************** *******************

So here we were again. Dan laying back against the couch with his arms folded across his chest. He's leaning away from me as much as possible, his gaze fixed on the TV screen. I'm sitting beside him, my legs curled underneath me as my tired eyes skim over the words of the book I'm reading. I glance up a few times to see his eyes have wandered from the screen to me. Of course as soon as he realizes I'm looking he turns his attention back to the colourful picture on the screen as a frown takes over his features.

My arm brushes against his as I move to try get comfortable position. Then there's this moment of deadly silence between us. His head snaps around to look at me. His eyes are wide with the same look from before of fear. That tiny little twinkle that shows me, no matter how much he doesn't want to admit it. He's scared. I know exactly what he's scared of, or more, who he's scared of.

Me.

It's as simple as that.

He knows how I feel about him and it scares him. I don't know if he still has feelings towards me or if he hates me but something about me scares him. Maybe it's that he's scared of what he did to me. Maybe he doesn't want to hurt me anymore and really is just scared that every time we touch I hurt more. He wouldn't be exactly wrong if he thought that. Every time our hands brush against each other I fell that same stab of pain at my heart. The pain that stabs sharply then turns into a dull ache of longing.

I want him more than anything else in the world. I just want to hold him in my arms and wipe that scared look off his face. I want to reassure him that everything will be fine. That we'll be fine.

But I can't.

We might be a lost cause after all.

He looks away awkwardly before coughing in an just as awkward manor. "I…um" he sighs deeply, closing his eyes for a moment as if you collect his thoughts.

"We better get to bed"

I pause for a moment, just letting his words sink into me completely before reacting. I give him a quick nod before folder the corner of the page I'm on and closing the book.

"Alright, mum"

He looks at me blankly, obviously not grasping that fact that was a joke. If things were like they used to be, Dan would have laughed and shot back with some witty 'your mum' joke. But this Dan isn't like the old Dan. The cute little ecstatic kid I fell in love with. He's just a spiritless man now. A boring guy who never laughs or smiles. He used to at least smile but he now just has a permanent frown on his face.

Just a 22 year old man who can't smile nor sleep. I say can't sleep because he constantly has dark circles under his eyes. I mean I know he stays up on the internet all night, I do too. But this is beyond a joke now. He's just like a zombie he's so tired. Wandering around and mumbling to himself to stay awake. Why is he even so scared to go to sleep?

What could be waiting for him there that's worse than this?  
"Yeah…" comes his quiet reply as he rubs his eyes.

"Well…" I stand up, holding my book tightly in my hand as I come face to face with him "…Goodnight"

"Night"

We both make our way upstairs after turning off the TV and lights downstairs. The awkward silence from before has returned as we now stand close enough to touch but don't. I just had to go into my room and sleep. That's all I need to do.

…So why can't I?

It's just that sad look Dan's giving me. It's almost as though he doesn't want me to go. "Dan?…" I asked softly.

He lifts his head, his eyes meeting mine. He looks just as scared as before, maybe even more so. "…Yeah?"

I lift my hand to touch his arm. He flinches, cowering away from me as if he thinks I'm going to hit him. We both just stare at each other with shocked expressions for a couple of seconds before I snap back to reality. "You…Try get some sleep, okay?"

He nods quickly, his eyes falling to the floor again. "Okay"

************************************************** *******************

My eyes shot open as I woke with a start. For a moment I lay there in my half asleep state trying to figure what had woken me when I heard a loud thump. I sat up, rubbing my eyes and making a grab for my glasses on my bedside table. I closed my eyes for a moment while my phone illuminated the room with it's bright light. I peeked at the screen, wincing several times at the brightness.

4AM.

What could have been making such a noise at this time in the morning. It couldn't possibly be the French builders or whoever they were. The earliest they ever started was six or seven.

…So what could it be?

I groaned softly to myself while stretching my legs out and tumbling out of bed. It was only when I was in the hallway that I heard the quiet sobs. "…Dan?" I asked gently knocking on his bedroom door "Are you okay in there?"

There was a small break in his sobs before they began again. No matter how he felt about me I had to go in there and comfort him. It was absolutely breaking my heart listening to him like this. I quietly opened the door and creped into his room, not expecting to see the scene in front of me.

His covers were laying on the floor next to his tipped over bedside table. His lamp lay on the floor in shatters with the contents of his 'miscellaneous draw of crap' scattered around it. The thing that shocked me most about this was Dan laying in the middle of all this chaos.

He was curled up in a ball, his knees to his chest. He had his head buried in knees as he rocked back and forth slightly while sobbing and whimpering.

"Dan?…What's wrong?"

As I slowly approached him I realized his little whimpers and murmurs were actually my name.

"P-Phil" he quivered slightly more clearly than before.

I dropped to my knees and quickly wrapped my arms around him in a tight hug. He immediately latched onto me, his head now resting on my shoulder as his sobs became loud wails.

"It's okay…I've got you" I soothed softly as I gently ran my fingers up and down his back. "Please tell me what's wrong, Dan. I want to help"

His cries only increased in volume as he clung onto me with an even tighter grip than before.

"Dan…"


	5. Chapter 5

He won't ask questions if I don't speak. I just have to keep my head down, eat my cereal. That's all. I can lock myself away in my room for the day if I have to.

It'll be fine, everything will be fine.

I accidentally looked up then. That's when I caught his eye. Phil had been staring at me for at least the last five minutes. He had a look on his face that I hadn't really seen before. He looked sort of confused yet worried at the same time. Just his expression and the way he was sort of curled up into himself made me feel so uneasy.

"…Dan?…what happened last night?"

I knew the question was coming yet still flinched slightly. I didn't even know what to tell him. I mean, he found me basically having some sort of an emotional break down in the middle of my room. Even if I did tell him, what was I supposed to say? I was being so stupid. Crying because of some stupid scary dream. I was supposed to be a strong full grown man. Fully grown men don't cry because of some scary shadow things. I was supposed to be strong and actually be able to look after myself…yet all I do is cry and cry because I can't do that. I can't handle this, not on my own. I need Phil, I just need to tell him I need him. That I love him and want him. Everything would be okay then.

But I've hurt him enough.

I don't want to be any more of a burden to him.

"Please tell me" he paused, biting his lip before looking straight into my eyes "You really worried me…"

I really did consider telling him then. Telling him everything id wanted to say to him over the last few years. But that wouldn't help, would it? Apparently dreams like this were triggered by guilt or some shit like that, but I don't believe that for a second. Sure I feel absolutely terrible for breaking Phil's heart, but that wouldn't make me dream up these monsters. I shivered slightly as I saw a dark figure out of the corner of my eye. I didn't want them to appear now. I just wanted to have a nice, normal day to myself.

"I…It's nothing" I finally replied as I looked down to my hands. "It was just…just a bad dream, that's all"

"That was no way just a bad dream, you were-"

"It was, it was just a dream"

"Dan-"

"Just drop it, okay!?"

I stood up, grabbing the bowl of cereal from his hands and taking both the bowls through to the kitchen. My excuse for leaving was wanting to get the washing up done. Of course that wasn't the real reason and that was pretty obvious to Phil. I sighed softly as I slid my hands into the warm water in the basin and lightly traced my fingers along the several plates and cups. My brain began to go into overdrive as I thought about our little mini argument we had just had. We seemed to argue all the time now. Sure the arguing got to me a little but the fact that it was always my fault hurt me so much more. Just to think, we would be fine right now if it weren't for me. If I didn't break up with him everything would be okay. We'd still be a happy little couple who were the best of friend. But no, I had to be so freaking selfish and ruin that.

"Look, Dan…I'm sorry okay. If you want me to drop it I will"

I turned around to find Phil standing a few feet behind me, looking even more upset form before. I couldn't be sure, but it almost looked as if he had been crying.

"It's fine" I replied, not wanting to start yet another argument.

"You just scared me is all. I just want you to be able to talk to me. For things to go back to how they used to be"

"Yeah…" I sighed softly, grabbing a towel from the counter and drying my hands.

He took a step towards me, a small smile on his lips as he looked into my eyes hopefully "What do you say we go out tonight? You know, go find some nice little pub or something"

My mind of course told me to say no. I had been trying so hard to keep as far away from him as possible. It eased the pain slightly being alone. Yet the look in his eyes made me freeze. It made my head spin and my brain suddenly to change it's mind.  
"Um, yeah, sure"

He grinned happily, taking another step forward as he held out my arms as if to give me a hug. He then stopped, looking down for a moment as if remembering we didn't do that anymore and patted my shoulder "Good"

************************************************** *******************

"See, this is fun, right?"

I smiled, actually properly smiled for the first time in a long time at his words. We were sitting in a little pub we'd been to with a few friends a while ago. It seemed to be a fairly nice place. Or I was too drunk to tell. Phil and I had both had our share of alcohol for tonight. We weren't exactly drunk, more like tipsy. Well I was, I could never tell if Phil was or not. He was currently swaying along to some song some guy was singing on the karaoke machine that was placed on the little raised platform towards the back of the room that I guess was supposed to be the stage.

Phil noticed me staring and grinned back at me, grabbing my hands in his and raising them into the air "You need to sway" he told me, the smile not leaving his face "You just need to"

At that moment I should have tore my hands away form him and left. But I didn't. I smiled back and squeezed one of his hands. He squeezed my hand back and began to sway side to side with one hand still in the air. I did the same, laughing as Phil lost his balance and fell into me slightly. I could try blame this on the alcohol. but the truth was I was actually enjoying myself. It really did feel like old times. Times when we could go out and hold hands and it wouldn't mean anything. We were young and innocent back then. This fear of what others thought only came with age.

Phil pulling on my hand made me look up and lock eyes with him. His pupils were dilated as he gazed back into his eyes. He leaned in and for the first time the thought of him kissing me didn't make me want to run. But he didn't kiss me, he leaned towards my ear and began trying to speak over music which had increased greatly in volume.

"We need to do sing on the karaoke. Pleaseeeee" he whined, shoving his body against mine in a small push. I gulped before looking back into his pleading eyes. I couldn't say no to that look, no matter how hard I tried.

"Okay, okay. What do you wanna sing like?"

He smiled mischievously, standing up and pulling me up with him. "You'll see" he said over his shoulder to me as he made his way over to the man who was running the whole thing.

"Okay ladies and gentlemen, we have a big treat for you tonight. Here's Dan and Phil, singing one of their favourite songs" the man said into the mic with a wink. Phil quickly handed me a mic and turned me around so we were both looking at the screen. I legitimately nearly fell on the floor laughing when I saw which song Phil had picked for us. We laughed our way through the first few lines until we arrived at the chorus. I shot Phil a coy smile before basically shouting the lyrics along with him.

"I kissed a boy and I liked it!" Phil grinned as he sang, pointing towards me. At any other time I would have been embarrassed as hell. But with the alcohol pumping through my veins I really couldn't care less. If he remembered any of this, id just pretend I didn't. But until then, I was gonna have some fun.

"Got all the honeys in the club excited" I sang, just as badly out of tune as Phil as I winked at some girls who really did seem to be rather excited by us. It crossed my mind then that we actually did have a few fans who were old enough to be in here and could know us. And honestly I didn't care. I was having the first fun id had in years and nothing could stop me now.

"I kissed a boy just to start shit, and homeboy was not about it"

"I know it's wrong" I sang, doing some weird dance move and grabbing onto Phil's arm.

"But I don't mind" he sang back, lancing our fingers together as he laughed.

"I'm gonna start shit tonight!" we both sang loudly, both collapsing into each other in hysterics. The rest of the bar was laughing with us, wiping tears from their eyes as they watched us drunkenly trying to get off the stage and back to our seats. It was obvious we weren't gonna be able to finish the song in our state so the guy running it grabbed one of the people who weren't actually falling off their seat to help him finish the song.

"Told you we'd have fun" Phil said, leaning against me as our fingers stayed laced together. I had to stop myself from telling him he looked adorable like that.

"Yeah, I always have fun with you"

"That's cause you love me rightttt?" Phil slurred as he looked up at me. For a moment I really didn't know what to say. He was drunk enough not to remember any of this. But I couldn't take advantage of that. I couldn't just admit my biggest secret than pass it of as a drunk mistake…or could I?

"…Sure…"


End file.
